The Worst News

Well, a few days ago, I got the news I was dreading to hear. After a minor surgery, the doctors found the cancer has spread and it has been downgraded to a stage 4. Because the cancer has metastasized, there’s not much they can do. So, the main surgery is cancelled and more chemotherapy (and maybe radiation) is scheduled. I don’t know how much longer I have, but in the words of my doctor, the 5-year survivability rate is “not good.” Dr. Google suggests it’s about 5%. No one knows when they are going to die, but right now, I may have another year or two left. I’m living as if this is my last year to live.

So What Now?

Well, I intend to quit my job in short order. My income will go down dramatically. All my plans and aspirations for the future have gone out the window. That includes my dividend portfolio.

Because I am single with no kids, I plan on leaving most things to my mom. The good news is that she will be taken care of financially for the rest of her life. Currently, she lives on social security alone. But after paying the mortgage with her social security, she may have about $200 left over for food, utilities, etc. It’s not enough.

I have a modest amount of life insurance which will go to her. Also, I plan on selling the houses that I have and keep the proceeds in an account, with a pay-on-death clause so that the account can go to her upon my death. That’s the plan for right now but we will see. I want to make my estate go to my mom as smoothly as possible without the hassle of probate court.

Regarding the beach condo, I really want to try to keep that in the family if I can. My mom is NOT good with computers and so it will be difficult for her to run the condo on her own. She’s also not very patient, and so I don’t know if the hospitality industry is good for her. But, one of my sisters might be able to help so we will see. I may still sell it to make things easier, but I would like to keep it if possible.

When all is said and done, my mom’s net worth should be between $500k and $1 million. Since she really don’t have much use for money, I suspect that most of that will be dividend amongst my siblings after my mom passes.

Why Quit My Job?

In a nutshell, I don’t want to spend my last days on earth working! If I go back home and live with my mom (which is what she wants – I don’t), then I won’t have to worry about living expenses too much. The houses that I have pay for themselves, including the one that has a property management company running it. I will be able to get disability income, so I won’t starve – but I won’t qualify for any pension which is what I was working for. I was about 10 years away from getting a pension, but it is what it is.

I’m currently off work for the next week dealing with all of this, but the writing is on the wall.

What About My Mental Health?

I’m still in shock and sort of numb to it all. My family and close friends are taking it a lot harder than I am. I think I cried most of the man tears early on when I was first diagnosed with cancer. Now, I have an “I don’t care” or “it doesn’t matter” attitude towards life.

I like playing chess, but trying to learn to get better at playing chess seems meaningless now – as is everything else really.

I know doctor’s can be wrong, that it’s good to get a second opinion, etc, but quite frankly, I’ve pretty much emotionally given up and have accepted my fate. I’m not angry at life, but I am feeling sad on the inside and it tends to show on my face and in my reactions. I still haven’t told all my friends. They tend to be hard conversations, but slowly but surely I will.

In fact, one of the approaches I may take is to say good bye to my friends in person one last time, and then just focus on getting treatments – counting on the support of my family or maybe one or two really close friend. But, I try not to make too many plans for the future anymore.

I will throw away or give away a lot of the stuff I have been carrying around with me. In a weird way, this diagnosis makes life a lot simpler. I can just focus on what matters without regard to all the BS. For what it’s worth, I will be working on improving my spiritual health and doing what I can to ensure I end up in Heaven, if there is one. That is a working progress.

What About The Dividend Portfolio Blog?

I anticipate that the funds in my dividend portfolio will go to my mom. If I am really doing it right, I probably should leave it to either my nephew or one of my many nieces, who are under the age of 18. The problem is I would have to choose a favorite and that’s hard to do.

As for blogging, it’s been therapeutic for me to blog about my thoughts and about my portfolio. I hope you find value in it. I am not sure yet when I will take the blog down, but I will likely keep blogging for the foreseeable future.

Once I get really sick, I may post a final update and leave it up for a few days before taking down the blog.

The saving projects that I recently started don’t really matter any more. Of course, without a salary, I won’t be able to continue with those anyway. I am just trying to take things one day at a time and am trying to do my best to find enjoyment in life.

Final Thoughts

Thank you for all the support throughout the years and for your well-wishes. Everything is fresh right now, and I don’t really know how to feel. I wish you all the best with your health and in life.

Thank you.